Had Nothing To Do So…Here

YES!there is a God!forget ’bout getting shot up with happy pills…I’ve ascended even that blissful state =] I have just found out that my Business Organisations Law assignment that I’ve been agonising over has just had its deadline extended…words cannot describe my euphoria*grin*yes yes…I know this is only postponing the inevitable but…still…YAY!

did you ever get the feeling that if you turned around fast enough you could recapture a moment that’s lost?that the quicksilver-like movement would be stilled just that fraction of a second long enough for you to grasp it?odd isn’t it?if I could have the choice of taking back moments I’d accumulate them all to within my 17th and 18th years…but if I actually think ’bout it those 2 years played a great part in shaping me emotional-wise…god…it’s hard to believe that there was ever a time when I was so sure I could take on the world…that with the right person at my side I could storm the gates & vanquish all pain & suffering…for someone who’s always been considered alarmingly cynical by peers & elders alike it’s a bit hard to look back & not wince*wince*it used to be galling to realise that he is right…mostly right…& that I, for once, didn’t always let my head control the wheel…in a way though, I mourn the loss of that cocksure person but upon reflection I think that only an 18 year old could possess that passion & surety…’cause in a world of disillusioned souls, it’d probably ease life just that little bit to have the daring & bravado to get out there & seize what you want without a thought to the consequences…so I apologise for saying that loving you unreservedly was the worst decision of my life…I think that back then…in that quicksilver moment…it was what I really wanted to do…with no reservations…no barriers…no pride in the way…it was wonderful & awesome & god-awful scary but it was good to feel so alive…gradually, when Time & responsibility have withered me a little it’ll be nice to open my treasure box & relive the feeling of warmth spreading through my veins…so hot it could scald you if you weren’t careful…so thanks…for teaching me something I could never have learnt from books & observation which is something I still persist in trying today*rueful grin*thanks for making me a better person…thanks for teaching me to appreciate so many little things…thanks for lifting my ignorance…thanks for teaching me how to love…it doesn’t matter if you never read this…but…thanks 

It’s odd but I was once told that writing ’bout feelings would be like releasing the steam from a pent up valve…well…I tried & the truth is it isn’t much different from when I just don’t say or do anything…perhaps I was asking too much of the action…I don’t know*shrug*not matter what I do I still end up at the same point that I always end up at…a vague kind of melancholy resignation…brutally put I don’t think Time heals all wounds…what it does do is take the glaring patina off the surface of one’s wounds & films over the whole gaping mess…kinda like cataracts really…you vaguely remember what it was you were angry about but you’re just too tired to bother anymore no matter the twinges that accompany the machinations of Memory…with enough time you even manage to accept the whole situation but if it’s something that hurt like hell you kind of…forget really…not like amnesia…more like a window that’s been frosted over or like those images that one catches at the edge of one’s peripheral vision…it’s still there but stuff’s just mostly blurry…whatever…one thing good about all this is that Time really does dull your senses so with enough time & care you learn not to care all that much about anything…therefore I suspect that the old adage is really a misnomer…you do feel the wounds somewhat & you do care but in the end you just don’t care enough

To all you people out there who couldn’t stand my guts throughout my acquaintence with you now’s your chance to tell all what the hell would’ve prompted you to want to slowly roast me over an open flame…have at it or if you’d prefer read what other people had to comment upon*sardonic grin*I’m feeling generous today or just plain bored…take your pick

http://kevan.org/nohari?view=misanthropic

your glass is either half full or half empty right?well…it’s been a hell of a day when even when it’s half full it doesn’t seem much better than when it was half empty…it’s been a bad day when you get the feeling that every one is lying to you…when you can no longer differentiate truth & fact anymore…if there’s one phrase I dislike vehemently it’s when someone tells you that they lied to your face ’cause it was for your own good*sneer*c’mon…what kinda bullshit is that?if you’re my friend you’d tell me the bloody truth even if you were damned sure I wouldn’t like it…don’t sugarcoat stuff just ’cause you’d prefer to avoid messiness…hell I’d admire you more if you would just tell me to my face what was wrong or when I was being an idiot…if you can’t be familiar with me then who bloody well can?the worst damned part is I can’t tell you how I feel ’cause well it’s just the way you are…I know you so well that I even know how you think!yes yes I’m a coward with no backbone to speak off…who doesn’t know that?*snort*how do you tell someone that sometimes it no longer feels like a friendship…that it’s all a happy facade ’cause neither one of us has the guts to break the dainty bubble?I hate when people lie to me when it’s something I should hear or have the right to know…I hate being brushed off like a child who doesn’t know any better…& yes I’m aware I’m ranting…so what?

It’s funny really…the little things that register long after something is over & done with…like…what drinks you both had the first time you met…how the pen felt in your hand during the major exam…I mean even though you could be experiencing psychedelic emotions from all over the spectrum from sheer delirious happiness to that falling sensation in the pit of your stomach your mind…registers little details like a squirrel storing stuff away for the winter…Neil Gaiman expressed it in a different way but it went something like when you die you FEEL even the simplest things with an intensity never before captured…even from the most mundane of things…he wrote about a guy dying from a heart attack who ended up lying on the airplane’s carpet…it struck him right then & there how incredibly soft the carpet was & how the airplane people must’ve been keeping the wonderful sensation a big secret otherwise everyone would want to lie down right there & never want to get up again…extreme example but apt I think…on the other hand you have the other side of the coin where you pick up little details but you can’t for the life of you register the major ones…the important ones like what love felt like at its zenith or what he looked like, etc…what a strange machine the human mind is…perhaps it’s a defense mechanism?hell if I know…perhaps some things are just better left broken & unplumbed*shrug*