Had Nothing To Do So…Here

Given a choice…would you prefer to know even if it hurt or would you prefer to have your head in the dark?at times like this I honestly wonder whether or not I would be better off just not knowing…unfortunately my natural obstinacy just won’t let me…I’d feel like a coward if I let myself act like an ostrich & didn’t face up to what was bothering me…so there you have it folks…not only am I a fool…I’m a stubborn fool which is probably not news to people who know me anyway*wry grin*bite me*sigh*even if it kills me I have to prove to myself that I can deal with it so that I can reasonably live with myself*faint smile*sometimes I wonder…are all the people I know just tolerating me?y’see…the more I know the more I tend to distrust people…which is why I don’t think I’m really suited for positions of power where I have to organise people who have to look to me for instructions…I’m at turns neurotic & brilliantly paranoid  so even though I was once told that I have leadership qualities I think I lack some important bits…for example there are just some days where I’d like to cede from the human race…take a library’s worth of my favourite books…some general necessities…& go hole up in some island somewhere…build my own little cottage…isolate myself from anything & everything…I wonder how long it would take me to miss company?honestly?I’m not sure…that’s probably not something leaders should say huh?*rueful grin*I’m tired of so many things…I wouldn’t even know where to start…but right now?I’m tired of having to prove to myself that I can live without certain things…I’m tired of supressing things that I should’ve said out but didn’t when the opportunity presented itself…I’m tired of wanting to have things that I shouldn’t & which…well let’s face it…just plain can’t stand me…I’m SO tired of having to bite my tongue & smile just so I won’t upset the delicate balance…yup…right at this moment…I’m tired of being me…which is stupid since I’m a really fortunate person so what the hell…I’ve lived with this stuff so long it’s a part of me already…so…if I can’t be me…who can?