I wonder…
Given a choice…would you prefer to know even if it hurt or would you prefer to have your head in the dark?at times like this I honestly wonder whether or not I would be better off just not knowing…unfortunately my natural obstinacy just won’t let me…I’d feel like a coward if I let myself act like an ostrich & didn’t face up to what was bothering me…so there you have it folks…not only am I a fool…I’m a stubborn fool which is probably not news to people who know me anyway*wry grin*bite me*sigh*even if it kills me I have to prove to myself that I can deal with it so that I can reasonably live with myself*faint smile*sometimes I wonder…are all the people I know just tolerating me?y’see…the more I know the more I tend to distrust people…which is why I don’t think I’m really suited for positions of power where I have to organise people who have to look to me for instructions…I’m at turns neurotic & brilliantly paranoid so even though I was once told that I have leadership qualities I think I lack some important bits…for example there are just some days where I’d like to cede from the human race…take a library’s worth of my favourite books…some general necessities…& go hole up in some island somewhere…build my own little cottage…isolate myself from anything & everything…I wonder how long it would take me to miss company?honestly?I’m not sure…that’s probably not something leaders should say huh?*rueful grin*I’m tired of so many things…I wouldn’t even know where to start…but right now?I’m tired of having to prove to myself that I can live without certain things…I’m tired of supressing things that I should’ve said out but didn’t when the opportunity presented itself…I’m tired of wanting to have things that I shouldn’t & which…well let’s face it…just plain can’t stand me…I’m SO tired of having to bite my tongue & smile just so I won’t upset the delicate balance…yup…right at this moment…I’m tired of being me…which is stupid since I’m a really fortunate person so what the hell…I’ve lived with this stuff so long it’s a part of me already…so…if I can’t be me…who can?
June 9th, 2006 at 6:21 am
Well,once you’re on that deserted island and want to build that cottage.Believe me,you’d start wanting people around already…to build it that is.Haha…! Goin back into the recesses of your mind isnt such a wrong thing.If you’ve read up general psychology you’d note that people even the most bodacious party animal at times just receeds into their own pits of loneliness.It’s like a cycle. Gota learn to just enjoy teh cycle.Not stick to one part of it but simply ride it.Same with everything that comes too.
June 9th, 2006 at 6:24 am
But on a more serious note.It all that’s probably wrong with the whole situation is that you made life so complicated that you no longer enjoy it.The simple things that used to make you smile now you take for granted and may even smirk at.Sure it’s all mere trivial items yet if you arent gona enjoy the little things in life and not play the game in good nature,there’s little point in playing.Dont you think so?
June 9th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Why aren’t you being you? Sorry if I’m daft, but your blog doesn’t explain much either than just ranting how your tired of trying not to be yourself.
So tell me, who are you? Who are you trying to be? Why can’t you be you?
We live in a society with rules and expectations, but tell me whats so hard with it at this point in your life?
You don’t have anything to prove but to yourself. Parents expect the most out of their own children and to some extent putting burdens where they themselves have failed.
Thus you have to ask yourself what do you want to prove?
June 11th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
sorry…I was irritated with myself…I have very specific things I’m tired ’bout but I don’t think it would be very wise to broadcast them*grin*suffice it to say that it’s not that I’m tired of not being me…I was annoyed with myself ’cause I was still affected by things that by right shouldn’t affect me at all…I know what I have to prove to myself…I’m just disappointed in myself ’cause something that I worked so hard to forget can still haunt me thus the personal irritation…capish?
June 11th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
riding the waves isn’t the problem…I just have to exorcise my personal demons*shrug*
June 11th, 2006 at 8:59 pm
no memory is a demon unless you choose it to be…
June 14th, 2006 at 8:42 am
My Pastor used to always tell this story about how people catch monkeys in Australia,
How they got this box, and they put a fruit in it. Because of the way the box is designed, the monkey can put their hand in, but when they clench the fruit inside it, they cannot extract it out.
So all the hunters do was wait for next morning, when they see lots of monkeys with their hands still trapped in the box, then they just pick the monkeys up.
“MONKEY!! LET GO!”