Had Nothing To Do So…Here

I love looking at the moon…always have…don’t know why but a full moon always puts me in a whimsical mood*soft smile*& guess what…it’s a full moon tonight=] many’s the time when I sat outside my tuition centre (next to a drain for pete’s sake) & gazed at the moon…heck…if I happened to be alone I’d sometimes sing softly to myself*rueful grin*I’ve always had a particular fondness for full moons…in fact I have lots of good memories that involve full moons…sometimes if I was completely alone I’d pretend that if I stretched out my arms far enough I could actually touch the moon…odd huh?historically speaking the moon is a ‘yin’ element that incorporates femininity & softness as well since females are characterised as being ‘yin’ in nature…it’s strangely coincidental but many cultures the world over seem to associate the moon with separated lovers…from the Chinese to the Indonesians, etc…well…Chang-er for example…there are many versions of this Chinese tale but my favourite is the one where the Goddess of Mercy granted her moon goddess status because she sacrificed herself to save both her lover & the people of China from terrible chaos…unfortunately this meant being separated from her lover who became the sun god…& well…barring eclipses…have you ever known the sun & the moon to meet?beats the one where she stole the pill of immortality from her husband anyway*grin*this is more prevalent among Asian cultures but the Caucasians have their own way of viewing the moon…somehow or other though the moon is usually associated with females…look at the Diana the Huntress…her symbol is represented by a crescent moon…even witches were said to dance ’sky-clad’ under the light of the crescent moon…who knows?whatever really…with or without another person…I still like gazing at the moon, wondering at her mysterious depths =]

y’know…sometimes I think I’m a pretty lousy friend…that my personality is such that I just suck at the whole thing…I always look at the worst case scenario…I’m naturally a loner, cynical & suspicious of people…at times I give people the benefit of the doubt but I don’t really believe in them…damned hypocritical isn’t it?there are times when I rather dislike hope although I recognise its sheer power as well…I mean…most of the time people are going to screw you over one way or the other so why hope for the best?expect the worst, work from there, prepare contingencies & then go out & smile at them…what kind of a person does that?I know this is wrong…that to think like this is horribly self-defeatist but sometimes…god…I wish I wasn’t such a pragmatist…having said that I feel impelled to point out that I have met several exceptions to the rule & that my brain is rather foggy from lack of sleep right now but…I wish I could be more of a bitch…unfortunately…call it a boon or a curse…I can always see things from the other’s point of view…sometimes it might take me a bit longer to do so but eventually I do get there in which case I can’t really stay angry & frustrated…I just try to figure stuff out ASAP so that it can be done & over with…not to say I’m a damned saint…I just get over the urge to shoot people with a sniper fairly quickly…I once read of this witch who found a novel way of punishing those who offended her…she found it much more expedient to make people think they were frogs instead of all the hassle of actually turning them into one…talk ’bout a novel approach*sardonic grin*I’m in a strange mood today & this’ll probably blow over within the next half hour or so…funny…the thoughts that cross my mind when I’m overworked & deprived of sleep*sigh*

YES!there is a God!forget ’bout getting shot up with happy pills…I’ve ascended even that blissful state =] I have just found out that my Business Organisations Law assignment that I’ve been agonising over has just had its deadline extended…words cannot describe my euphoria*grin*yes yes…I know this is only postponing the inevitable but…still…YAY!

did you ever get the feeling that if you turned around fast enough you could recapture a moment that’s lost?that the quicksilver-like movement would be stilled just that fraction of a second long enough for you to grasp it?odd isn’t it?if I could have the choice of taking back moments I’d accumulate them all to within my 17th and 18th years…but if I actually think ’bout it those 2 years played a great part in shaping me emotional-wise…god…it’s hard to believe that there was ever a time when I was so sure I could take on the world…that with the right person at my side I could storm the gates & vanquish all pain & suffering…for someone who’s always been considered alarmingly cynical by peers & elders alike it’s a bit hard to look back & not wince*wince*it used to be galling to realise that he is right…mostly right…& that I, for once, didn’t always let my head control the wheel…in a way though, I mourn the loss of that cocksure person but upon reflection I think that only an 18 year old could possess that passion & surety…’cause in a world of disillusioned souls, it’d probably ease life just that little bit to have the daring & bravado to get out there & seize what you want without a thought to the consequences…so I apologise for saying that loving you unreservedly was the worst decision of my life…I think that back then…in that quicksilver moment…it was what I really wanted to do…with no reservations…no barriers…no pride in the way…it was wonderful & awesome & god-awful scary but it was good to feel so alive…gradually, when Time & responsibility have withered me a little it’ll be nice to open my treasure box & relive the feeling of warmth spreading through my veins…so hot it could scald you if you weren’t careful…so thanks…for teaching me something I could never have learnt from books & observation which is something I still persist in trying today*rueful grin*thanks for making me a better person…thanks for teaching me to appreciate so many little things…thanks for lifting my ignorance…thanks for teaching me how to love…it doesn’t matter if you never read this…but…thanks 

It’s odd but I was once told that writing ’bout feelings would be like releasing the steam from a pent up valve…well…I tried & the truth is it isn’t much different from when I just don’t say or do anything…perhaps I was asking too much of the action…I don’t know*shrug*not matter what I do I still end up at the same point that I always end up at…a vague kind of melancholy resignation…brutally put I don’t think Time heals all wounds…what it does do is take the glaring patina off the surface of one’s wounds & films over the whole gaping mess…kinda like cataracts really…you vaguely remember what it was you were angry about but you’re just too tired to bother anymore no matter the twinges that accompany the machinations of Memory…with enough time you even manage to accept the whole situation but if it’s something that hurt like hell you kind of…forget really…not like amnesia…more like a window that’s been frosted over or like those images that one catches at the edge of one’s peripheral vision…it’s still there but stuff’s just mostly blurry…whatever…one thing good about all this is that Time really does dull your senses so with enough time & care you learn not to care all that much about anything…therefore I suspect that the old adage is really a misnomer…you do feel the wounds somewhat & you do care but in the end you just don’t care enough

To all you people out there who couldn’t stand my guts throughout my acquaintence with you now’s your chance to tell all what the hell would’ve prompted you to want to slowly roast me over an open flame…have at it or if you’d prefer read what other people had to comment upon*sardonic grin*I’m feeling generous today or just plain bored…take your pick

http://kevan.org/nohari?view=misanthropic

your glass is either half full or half empty right?well…it’s been a hell of a day when even when it’s half full it doesn’t seem much better than when it was half empty…it’s been a bad day when you get the feeling that every one is lying to you…when you can no longer differentiate truth & fact anymore…if there’s one phrase I dislike vehemently it’s when someone tells you that they lied to your face ’cause it was for your own good*sneer*c’mon…what kinda bullshit is that?if you’re my friend you’d tell me the bloody truth even if you were damned sure I wouldn’t like it…don’t sugarcoat stuff just ’cause you’d prefer to avoid messiness…hell I’d admire you more if you would just tell me to my face what was wrong or when I was being an idiot…if you can’t be familiar with me then who bloody well can?the worst damned part is I can’t tell you how I feel ’cause well it’s just the way you are…I know you so well that I even know how you think!yes yes I’m a coward with no backbone to speak off…who doesn’t know that?*snort*how do you tell someone that sometimes it no longer feels like a friendship…that it’s all a happy facade ’cause neither one of us has the guts to break the dainty bubble?I hate when people lie to me when it’s something I should hear or have the right to know…I hate being brushed off like a child who doesn’t know any better…& yes I’m aware I’m ranting…so what?

It’s funny really…the little things that register long after something is over & done with…like…what drinks you both had the first time you met…how the pen felt in your hand during the major exam…I mean even though you could be experiencing psychedelic emotions from all over the spectrum from sheer delirious happiness to that falling sensation in the pit of your stomach your mind…registers little details like a squirrel storing stuff away for the winter…Neil Gaiman expressed it in a different way but it went something like when you die you FEEL even the simplest things with an intensity never before captured…even from the most mundane of things…he wrote about a guy dying from a heart attack who ended up lying on the airplane’s carpet…it struck him right then & there how incredibly soft the carpet was & how the airplane people must’ve been keeping the wonderful sensation a big secret otherwise everyone would want to lie down right there & never want to get up again…extreme example but apt I think…on the other hand you have the other side of the coin where you pick up little details but you can’t for the life of you register the major ones…the important ones like what love felt like at its zenith or what he looked like, etc…what a strange machine the human mind is…perhaps it’s a defense mechanism?hell if I know…perhaps some things are just better left broken & unplumbed*shrug*

I came across an interesting concept today…basically all human life is based on illusions…not in the sense of say the Matrix where we’re actually all human batteries powering downright nasty synthetic machinery with our brain power but more like…well…try taking the whole world apart then grinding it into the finest powder, then passing it through the finest sieve possible…would you be able to prove conclusively that there is even one solitary atom of truth, justice, love, etc?to put it another way…could anyone prove without a doubt that all those magnificent qualities that define humans really do exist except in our heads?I can hear you arguing…isn’t love & kindness tangible in the good that people perform everyday such as charity, the kiss you give your loved one, the sacrifices you make for family…etc?but those are just manifestations of those supposed values don’t you think?bluntly put then…people need…dreams…to survive in this world…humans are fascinating creatures ’cause we’ve invented something miraculous in itself which is boredom!we make our own little worlds & the borders stop just so wherever we want them to…imagine what we’d do if we could really see the world in its entirety…truthfully…humankind probably wouldn’t have progressed much ’cause we’d probably revel in the beauty of something as simple as a flower leaving us prey to larger, hungrier animals with bigger teeth*grin*instead we can look at something quite amazing like a person’s smile or the whistling of the wind &…dismiss them…on the other hand perhaps if we could experience every aspect of what we do & its repercussions maybe we wouldn’t be so very eager to start wars or cause pain in the name of profit…we’d go mad if we did…it’s been scientifically proven after all that people don’t utilise more than 10% of their full brain capacity…would we better or worse if we were given the chance even for a day to use it all?I don’t know…

It’s funny y’know…the stuff that can set people off…I mean it was a reasonable response to a question that he asked me…& he DID ask me for my opinion…if I were in that position where I was going to be going overseas soon I would definitely NOT engage in any relationship deeper than friendship…I mean there’s so much stuff that I still haven’t done nor seen nor felt…I mean at this point a relationship would just be a bit like voluntary added weight…although it’s cruel to say so but it’s the most expendable human relationship when I’m still so young…I can’t shirk my education nor my responsibilities toward my family so that pretty much leaves a relationship in last place…trust me, this was sent home to me the HARD way by someone…yeah yeah…I know relationships are a learning experience that everyone has to go through with its ups & downs yadda yadda but not until I’M sure I’d be able to put the time & effort into it the way it deserves…so unless there’s a guy out there who could turn me inside out & make me completely lose my common sense…sorry but nope…no way…nix…so there…that’s my opinion & I’m sticking with it no matter how cold you think I am…therefore if you still want to lecture me I’m not going to pick up your calls anymore=p & yes I choose to remain single even though I’m not going overseas…so what?

here goes…I am once again going to embark upon a blogging experience which I failed miserably at the last time*rueful grin*but seriously folks…I HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO!let’s see…finished playing my PS games, finished reading the books that were supposed to last me throughout CNY, there’s NOTHING on tv so…I decided to follow the advice of a friend ( thanks Nick ) to blog when I am supremely bored…just finished this suspense cum thriller called "Nothing to Fear"…it’s pretty creepy…personally I could’ve done without so many pages detailing mind blowing sex but hey…that’s just me right?the freaky bits were when the psychopathic killer bent on revenge systematically killed all the people who ‘wronged’ her…I mean shooting a guy systematically at both wrists & knees, watching him squirm around & then slicing his ermm…jewels off?besides I think I should lay off the scary stuff for awhile…reminder to self…do not finish creepy book followed by equally creepy movie…but I have to tell ya…"The Village" by Night Shyamalayan kinda sucked…guess the guy can’t seem to live up to the success of his first movie…btw to all you people who like Nyonya food…there’s this great place called Restoran Nyonya at Jalan Tong Shin…the chili garam fish & the belacan fried pucuk paku rock…oh me…I’m starting to feel faint from the exertion of writing this brief glimpse into that which is me…ciao everybody!=]